wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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