I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
