i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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