I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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