What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize