I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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