My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize