my shit smells like andre
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
