I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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