got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
