The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
