Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Found your dick twin last night
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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