I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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