Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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