I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
