is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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