weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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