first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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