who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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