guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
