Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
