I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Randomize
