the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
