Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
