I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
