Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
