I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize