Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
