I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
