I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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