Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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