I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
