there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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