Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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