So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
