Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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