Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
