Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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