At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize