Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
