I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
