Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
