i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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