My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
