Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
