Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
