If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
