Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
