There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
