Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
