Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
