Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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