when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
