I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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