It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
