I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Dear god my vagina.
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