Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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