matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
