he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
