My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
