I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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