My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Can I color on your dick again?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sorry about my life...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize