apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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