Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
