Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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