a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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