whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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