Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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