I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
