Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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