Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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