I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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