i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Randomize
