he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
